what’s an unsub?
dear interwebz: today your net gain is ZERO.
minus one
with all the absurd video clips of ‘every time [person] on [show] says [catch phrase]‘, WHY IS THERE NO ‘every time person on criminal minds says “what’s an unsub?”‘? seriously, what? get the fuck on that - i’m sure i’m not the only person to needwant this.
plus one
in my search for the aforementioned clip, i did find this:
Their Unit Chief, Aaron Hotchner, was telling them all that lack of interdepartmental cooperation was a good way to let the UNSUB, as they called him, slip through the cracks.
“UNSUB…” Parkman snorted, casting a glance over at his partner, Mike, who was reading through a folder the BAU Media Liaison, Jennifer Jareau, had given out. “What the hell is that?”
“The UNSUB,” said a tall black man, that Parkman was pretty sure did swimsuit modeling when he was off the clock. “Is the Unknown Subject.”
“Isn’t that pretentious?” Sylar popped in, leaning on the edge of the next desk. He held up a pair of fingers behind the FBI agent’s head like rabbit ears. “Would you look at this guy? Janice would be all over him.”
yes, you are reading that correctly – criminal minds/heroes cross-over fanfic. it was no rule 34, but it was still amusingly annoying (/annoyingly amusing?) enough that i felt no more need to search any further for anything today.
oh and here’s the link - click at your own peril.
*note
the “plus one”/”minus one” is not meant to signify any type of greatness, it was merely a measure of how much i felt the internet lived up to expectation today. had the story been rule 34, it would have scored much higher.
why we should nuke wyoming instead of iran
wyoming wants you to believe that all your base are belong to wyoming. while i guess living in wyoming would make anyone a little stir crazy, this is really a worst case scenario.
Wyoming Republican legislator David Miller, who introduced a bill in the state legislature that would give the state the power, in an “emergency,” to create its own standing army through conscription, print its own currency, acquire military aircraft, suspend the legislature, and establish martial law. “Things happen quickly sometimes—look at Libya, look at Egypt, look at those situations,” Miller told the Star-Tribune in Casper, Wyoming. Repeating arguments employed by every military dictatorship over the past century, Miller declared, “We wouldn’t have time to meet as a Legislature or even in special session to do anything to respond.” Miller’s so-called “doomsday law” was defeated in the Wyoming legislature Tuesday by the narrow margin of 30-27. (wsws.org)
what happens when wyoming feels threatened by colorado’s superior technology industry? when they get the munchies and decide that idaho is going to be “their exclusive potato chip providing partner”? what happens when they don’t want to pay for all those potato chips??
simple: in a potato emergency, wyoming will be able to was almost able to draft civilians into their private wyoming army, acquire some f-16s for the wyoming air force, and start invading the rest of the country. to back them up, wyoming is home to francis e. warren air force base and their arsenal of over 150 “on-alert” ICBMs.
bitches, that lost by THREE votes. how in the fuck does wyoming come THREE votes from being able to print their very own money?
so that’s why we should nuke wyoming instead of iran — they’re a whole hotbed of domestic republican terrorists just waiting to strike and they’re ALREADY GOT NUCLEAR WEAPONS. oh, and obviously, no compunction whatsoever about putting YOU (you, being citizens of wyoming) on the front line in the war against…
uh..
…the war on “situations”, involving hoi polloi?
today in good news/bad news…
good news : we need more people like indiana state senate minority leader vi simpson running things in this country. i would like to personally thank ms. simpson for her efforts to make us less stupid.
bad news : and we need less people like this dickhead, bashar assad, running them (anywhere). oh yeah, he thinks you’re an idiot. kudos to anonymous for exposing yet another douchecanoe to the world.
political what-the-fuck-ery
elect me for president of the united states of america in 2012 (or 2016, if we’re still around).
i’m serious. my platform is simple and direct:
- i won’t accept corporate or lobby
fundingbribes. - i could give a fuck about talking to the CEOs of google, time-warner, or whatever. they don’t need help making money — inner cities, schools, and other civil services do.
- mitt romney makes almost 50$million per year, in interest. at a 5% interest rate, that means he has like 1$billion in the bank. i have, on average, about 1500$. i’m rooting for the underdog 99% — you’d better believe taxes will go up sharply after your income passes half million dollars per year.*
- i will put a halt to the insider trading practices in congress. I WILL ARREST YOU, CONGRESS.
- actually, i will try to put a halt to wall street’s quackery as well. racketeering, bitches — the mafia gets put away for it, you’ll get your turn. I WILL ARREST YOU, WALL STREET.
- we’ll stay the fuck out of things that don’t concern us. we ARE NOT “world police”.
- no big government? great! first off, i’ll get them to stop spying on our own citizens — that should save us a bundle. second: TSA, you are worse than useless and you’re getting cut. buh-bye.
- health insurance: you can have it.
- education: you can have it. without going into debt for, like, the rest of your life.
vote for me.
because everyone else sucks.
* this may or may not be an accurate reflection of how his money …uh, works. either way, i put it to you, gentle reader, that he has too much of it, and isn’t using it for the betterment of his fellow man — or even himself.
new segment: you drive like shit
dear SUV with california plate 4RLJ8516,
i hope your shitty driving has earned you a stupendously large insurance premium, you fuckwit. i hope you roll your piece of shit SUV into the bay.
please die.
a return to anger
i’m back.
i didn’t really go away, but i’ve found there’s a certain comfort zone i need to inhabit to be able to write.
A ——– B —- C ——– D
if point A is a point somewhere on the anxiety-ridden side of at rest, and point D is the kind of boiling rage where you cut off other people’s middle fingers and arrange them in a giant depiction of a middle finger on your target’s lawn, then my comfort zone is from B to C.
as it happens, i returned from vacation and idled for awhile just below B, then jumped up into the C-D range, and have been hovering around C ever since.
that’s my story, and i’m sticking to it.
more #comcast fuckery
last week, on irregular polytopiary…
[close-up shot]: i sit by the computer, drumming my fingers. bored.
[another close-up shot]: i pull the phone away from my face. i look shocked and annoyed.
[shot, starts close, but pulls out, showing the rest of the room]: i sit at the computer, playing angry birds.
[shot, a building outside of a generic metro area]: an explosion rocks the building, all windows are blown outward in a spray of glass.
[shot, camera moves upward but stays centered on my face, slow change of focus to my fist]: me, standing in the middle of the living room, addressing the cats (one is sitting under and one is stretched out on top of the coffee table, and another off to the side, quietly cleaning her paw with her tongue), shaking my fist at the sky.
[shot, my kitchen]: my expression goes blank and i drop the pot of coffee. [cut to close-up of the coffee pot, inches off the floor, falling in super slow motion]: it hits the floor and breaks.
and now, the next exciting episode…
thu / 5.45.am – i receive an update from the 2nd tech i twittered with. he says there was signaling issues and asks if a tech had been out. i respond (at the more reasonable hour of 12.30.pm) that the issue had cleared up on its own, and asked if there was a problem with the modem. he responds that “it could come and go. we’ll keep an eye on it.”
thu / 1.30.pm – i receive a comment on the last comcast post: an apology and request for details of my experience. i find some of the comment baffling, as she asserts that their social media/support reps are online until 1.am EST.
sun / 2.45.pm – i get home from brunch and am having the same packet loss problems as before. i send an email to the address provided in the comment, and cc: the 2nd tech that i had sent stuff to before. as i have a project deadline looming and cannot work on it, i, annoyed, proceed to annoy everyone else (cats included) in the house.
sun / 6.30.pm – magically, the problem disappears again.
mon / 11.00.am – i receive an email from an executive customer relations person. she would like to contact me regarding my complaint. i’m, of course, at work, and completely forget to respond.
tue / 9.30.am – i receive a 2nd email from this person, asking to contact me. i respond that i can talk to her on wed (today).
wed / 10.30.am – working from home today, and guess what? high packet loss. i call the number provided by the executive customer relations person, but get only a recorded message that the offices are closed and that business hours are …well, right now. i send off an annoyed email about the phone recording, as well as mentioning that i am supremely frustrated that i now have to go into the office to work.
really, what i want to say is that right then i should be logged onto the VPN, coding, wearing a tshirt & boxers, with a kitten on my lap, and a beer resting near my mouse.
she responds back, asking if there’s a number she can reach me at. at this point, however, i am running out the door and have a train to catch.
wed / 1.15.pm – after several increasingly terse emails, a technician is scheduled to be sent out tomorrow to check out the line. of course, this means i will be super-late for work again (like i was today).
and just because i’m on the subject, the longest standing thorn in my side about comcast is that their stated speed (for our package) is 20Mbps (~ 2.5 mb/s). i don’t think i’ve ever seen it push past 16Mbps, which is the rated speed of the next lower package – and $10 less a month (it doesn’t sound like much, but that’s almost an entire month’s internet+cable bill over the course of a year).
its fucktastic!
10.20 am : internet is running slowly.
10.45 am : after running extensive ping, traceroute, and speedtests, then rebooting every piece of hardware i can lay hand on and run it all again – 20 to 40% packet loss after 2 router hops.
11.20 am : when i can’t find any working network status page for comcast, i finally call them. they tell me i’m not on the account and can’t put in a trouble ticket.
11.40 am : i log into comcast via my gf’s laptop, add myself to the account, although due to high packet loss, it may have been more expedient to use carrier pigeon. i call back.
11.50 am : the support rep i am on the phone with tells me she can’t see any trouble in my area, but also admits that their internal system is down. she apologizes for not being able to help troubleshoot what she is fairly certain is really just a problem occurring between my computer and the modem. i refrain from telling her that that is the only saving grace about this call.
12.10 pm : i try and get some work done, but am continually booted from my remote desktop session. i play angry birds and eat lunch.
12.50 pm : i re-run all my diagnostics, not only from my pc, but from my gf’s laptop and directly off the router itself. i double check all ethernet and coax cabling.
1.05 pm : i randomly google comcast twitter and find the twitter accounts of several techs who seem to be giving more solid help, advice, or even just up-to-date status to customers. i connect with a tech and am passed off to a second tech with a request for details of the issue.
1.30 pm : i happily send them brief traceroute & ping logs.
3.05 pm : i send a quick check-in to see if they have any updates on the issue.
3.15 pm : i realize that neither of the techs has responded to any issues since shortly after 1.30. apparently, they are on the east coast and have gone home.
4.00 pm : after having wasted an entire day, i call comcast again. their system is still down and since i never received any type of follow-up, i not only do not have a trouble ticket, but there is apparently no record of any of my previous contacts. i hang up in disgust.
4.30 pm : i am filled with the rage. i can’t watch anything through boxee box, because it … you know, uses the fucking internet. i pretend that all the little pigs are comcast employees while i play motherfucking rage-filled birds some more. whatever corporate fuckwit decided that there should be no network status page deserves a triangular, yellow, gurgling bird to the throat.
4.50 pm : in a last ditch effort to at least appear productive, i call support again. i get put on hold and hang up.
5:20 pm : consistent service appears to be restored (just in time for people to get home and start watching tv!).
i almost hate you more than AT&T. almost.
[edit] i have been contacted by several customer relations people regarding this post. i will update this story as warranted.
entitlements of the day
dear people of earth,
you are not entitled to make it through the light. stop honking your horn fuck-wad. wait your goddamn turn.
you are not entitled to that parking spot. i couldn’t move any further up, and it wasn’t even a spot anyway, so suck it.
you are not entitled to know what is happening on the other side of the freeway. stop rubbernecking, ass-hats.
you are not entitled to have a post office experience free of line. knock off your bitching.
you are not entitled to in the fastest lanes at all times, so quit swerving your car all the fuck over the place, shit-head.
game testing, you need it
(or “how to fix the myriad of unnecessary bugs in alice: madness returns” (pc version))
i spent over 30 mins last night trying to engage the fucking umbrella while getting my ass handed to me by an obnoxious sludge monster until i finally realized there was something wrong.
when i plunk down 50$ for a game, i expect to wrangle with some driver issues, or a “this service should be stopped to improve framerate”, or whatever – so the problems with alice are fairly unacceptable. seriously, did anyone do a clean install before ship? because every issue i’ve had so far dealt ENTIRELY with borked keybinding config files (those are the text files that map the keys of your mouse & keyboard to actions like move forward, attack, etc…). with all the things that could go wrong – this is the fuckup? really? ea should be ashamed of themselves.
so, the following is a collection of fixes that got me back up and running. your path will most likely be different from mine (so change [R:\Steam\steamapps\common\] to your path). there also seems to be a different naming convention between pc download/boxed vs. installed from steam versions in that steam’s files are “DefaultInput.ini”, but i’ve seen references to “AliceInput.ini” – these are the same files, just switch “Alice” for “Default” if needed. and of course, keep a backup copy of any file you change.
fixes:
- umbrella glitch (changing the key that engages the umbrella deflect unbinds the action)
- cannon glitch (can’t fire cannons or depth charges on the ship minigame)
- hysteria (can’t change hysteria key in UI)
- ?? i’ve seen references to glitches that are in parts of the game i haven’t reached, but were fixed by some of the below items, so YMMV, but i’ll update this list if i come across any more.
- [submitted by spee] framerate glitch using nvidia twinview.
- BONUS: enable special edition dresses & weapons
here it is:
- open the file R:\Steam\steamapps\common\alice madness returns\AliceGame\Config\DefaultInput.ini
- find the line: Key_Block = TriggerBlock
- change it to: Key_Block = TriggerBlock true | OnRelease TriggerBlock false
- everywhere you see a “|” character in the file, make sure that it has spaces on either side, like: ” | “
- the umbrella is glitched, so if you want to change what key does the umbrella deflect, find this line: +Bindings=(Name=”E”,Command=”TriggerBlock true | OnRelease TriggerBlock false”)
- change “E” to whatever key you want to use. i use “/” because i’m left handed, so my right hand is on the keyboard.
- likewise, on the line: +Bindings=(Name=”Enter”,Command=”TriggerHysteria”) change “Enter” to something else if you want to – there’s no option to change this in the UI, so here’s your chance.
- save & close this file.
- open the file R:\Steam\steamapps\common\alice madness returns\AliceGame\Config\DefaultControlLayout.ini
- find the line: KeyBindArray2=(Name=”E”,Command=”Use | push | PickUpActor | QuitFPS | SwitchWeaponGroup”)
- comment it out like: //KeyBindArray2=(Name=”E”,Command=”Use | push | PickUpActor | QuitFPS | SwitchWeaponGroup”)
- everywhere you see a “|” character in the file, make sure that it has spaces on either side, like: ” | “
- save & close this file.
- BONUS: dresses (i don’t know if this works for non-steam installed versions): unlock the special edition dresses and weapons by opening this file: R:\Steam\steamapps\common\alice madness returns\AliceGame\Config\DefaultEngine.ini
- find the section: [AliceGame.AliceGameEngine] at the very end of the file.
- change: GIsSpecialPCEdition=FALSE to GIsSpecialPCEdition=TRUE
- save & close this file.
- IMPORTANT: run the game, go into the configuration and reset the controls to DEFAULT. change your other keys as you see fit, just leave umbrella alone. this will also reset your mouse settings, so make sure you reset those as well.
- to use the special edition stuff, go to equip from the main menu – use the arrow keys to change equipped options – trying to change them with the mouse WILL NOT WORK.
- if you are using nvidia twinview and experiencing intermittent pauses in your framerate, try disabling your second monitor in windows (thanks spee!). considering that it seems to affect both the newer geforce 460 and my (quite a bit) older 8800, i’m going to assume that anyone with an nvidia card using multiple monitors is going to feel this one.
hopefully this will save you some time & energy – again, i will update this if i come across anything else, but this seems to have fixed everything so far. besides the specific umbrella glitch, the “|” change seemed to be the most important fix. weird, i know.
note: almost all of these i culled on a one-by-one basis from various forums and i take no credit for their discovery. they were, however, all the fuck over the place, so i thought i’d pull them into a single location (for my own benefit as much as yours).
all that said, other than this COMPLETELY FUCKING ANNOYING and TRAGIC flaw, the game is gorgeous and i’m totally loving the hell out of it. enjoy.
[edit] just a quick note on enabling the limited edition content – it will add a new item, to play the classic version of alice, to the main menu – unless you actually purchased the “complete edition”, this link will not work. just ignore it.
unavailable music makes me angry
this rant may piss some people off, and while i’m not really sorry about that, i don’t want anyone in particular to take it personally.
let me start off by saying: i buy a lot of music. a lot. i even still have the first 3 cds i ever purchased (probably more than that, but there’s only 3 in particular that i can point to and say “those were the first”):
- depeche mode – speak & spell
- new order – substance 1987 (2cd)
- the cure – staring at the sea
there are a handful of cds that i have 2 of. i have 5 different versions of the everything counts ep by depeche mode. i have incredibly rare cds, stamped or hand-numbered cds, promo cds, limited edition box sets, misprints, and any number of other odd ball (sometimes) collectibles.
since i purchased my droid, i’ve run up a fairly hefty tab on both amazon mp3 and bandcamp (whose model is brilliant, by the way).
i only mention all this because i want you to understand that it’s not my intent to freeload. and with the proliferation of music being released digitally, i do this less and less, but…
what i can’t buy, i steal. and it makes me somewhat angry.
it used to be that i would download tons of music, in the form of ripped mp3s – from this would come my decision on what to lay down money for. when i was broke, or jobless, all i could do was download. but now that i’m gainfully employed again, i find that i spend upward of 100$/month on this addiction hobby addiction.
to come to the point, a particular band i appreciate (and have purchased from in the past) has a limited-edition ep; but it will only be available at a particular location, at a particular time, and will be otherwise unavailable. i find that i’m somewhat insulted by this. i can’t and won’t be at that location at that time, and while i should have thought to mention to someone on tour with this band to grab me a copy, it didn’t occur to me until too late.
so my annoyance is, i would still purchase a copy from bandcamp or other digital retailer, but supposedly it won’t be available. i mean, i can understand the idea of “exclusive songs”, and i could totally understand something like, “it’s exclusive, but it’ll be part of a ‘ep collection’ cd or whatever, but not until next year” – that’s cool. but “you can get this recording here and never again” says to me ”my shit is so exclusive no one will ever hear it”. good for you. it’s possible no one will. and congratulations for wasting the time of the remixers and other people who worked in production and whatnot, because now no one will hear their work either. except for, you know, the 100 people who get the exclusive cd.
similarly, a cd that’s out-of-print and only available on ebay for 200$ is probably also going to get downloaded. just sayin’. it’s not like the artist is going to see a percentage of that profit, so if its not something that i value at 200$ (which, off the top of my head, is nothing), then forget it.
on a side note, several years ago, i was contacted by a member of a band, asking me to remove one of his band’s cds from being publicly available (it was shared in my P2P client). as it was still relatively new, i complied, but was vaguely annoyed after thinking about it for a while – i wouldn’t have even known about his band except that i downloaded a single (because it featured a remixer that i like) from the same P2P network, liked most of the songs, and so then shelled out the 20-something$ (US) for the import-only full-length cd.
so really i guess this rant was just about: hey, why don’t you want people to listen to your music when you want people to listen to your music? what kind of fucking logic is that?
i know there a bunch of musicians on my various follow lists, thoughts?
and finally because i feel like pimping some stuff, these recent acquisitions are awesome:
- caustic – the golden vagina of fame and profit (metropolis)
- distorted memory – swallowing the sun (cop intl)
- mangadrive – purge.the.sky [le] (aphotic audio)
i hate you because you are dumb
sometimes i make the mistake of reading sarah palin’s facebook page.
i’m almost immediately filled with an urgent sense of horror and dismay. it is literally terrifying to me to read the responses, by her adoring fans, to her absurd rhetoric.
they are the nonsensical, un-punctuated, pie-hole noises set into the cement of the interwebs, by … who? who are these people? let’s find out…
please note: this is by no means a comprehensive list (or even the worst). but this was all i could handle without needing an anti-depressant. also, i have NOT edited these in ANY fashion.
NO NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED – THERE ARE NO INNOCENTS.
soup? who eats that shit anyways?
a 3rd party has remarked upon my tendency to diverge from the point of a rant, occasionally off into the sunset.
i think this is a valid point. but sometimes i’m just angry. so there. so my question to you is: why you gotta hate? and eat soup? who eats that shit anyways? WHO?
oh wait, i guess i was hating first. and i occasionally eat soup. but you know what? fuck that bitch.
also, you don’t like it, go write your own!
words with zynga
dear zynga,
words with friends is the crappiest, buggiest program i’ve ever had to uninstall from my droid. i left roughly 5 games hanging (several of which where i was crushing unknown random players into the ground), annoying my awesome gf (because i forced her to start playing as well – we would play head-to-head during commercial breaks while watching criminal minds), and wasting several entire work commutes waiting for you to “update” after “fixing an error that caused a crash”.
then i found the burstlyimagecache and realized the truth. you were cheating on me. you weren’t actually “fixing” the crash, you were downloading more advertisements to display after every move. sure i hit skip every single time, but it not only didn’t deter you, it spurred you into leaving this 1m cache of adverts on my sdcard (which, by the way, is running low on space after i copied 100 cds worth of music on there as well). so not cool.
so, you’re gone, and i’m taking my sdcard space back – i’ve deleted the burstlyimagecache directory and every other thing i could find that was even vaguely associated with you (and i have root, jerkface, i can do it).
p.s.: you’re you should hook up with rhapsody. you’re both space eating, information stealing bitches that leave shit lying around. you’d be perfect for each other.
p.p.s.: this hurts me so much because i really wanted to play. but, fuck you.
p.p.p.s.: that was on a TW, so 48 points for me, fuckers.
trailer trash
i have a serious neurotic twitch: i hate trailing spaces and tabs, and will ruthlessly reformat documents or code in which i have found them.
OH! totally ON TOPIC: i tripped over snooki‘s twitter today (it hurt), on which she describes herself as a reality star.
a reality star. just consider that for a few moments. it’s fairly brilliant, even if by accident.
qotd
banking was conceived in iniquity and was born in sin. the bankers own the earth. take it away from them, but leave them the power to create money, and with the flick of the pen they will create enough deposits to buy it back again. however, take away from them the power to create money and all the great fortunes like mine will disappear and they ought to disappear, for this would be a happier and better world to live in. but, if you wish to remain the slaves of bankers and pay the cost of your own slavery, let them continue to create money.
- attributed to josiah charles stamp (1880-1941), director of the bank of england
freedom of speech vs. accessory to murder
terry jones needs to die in a fire. i don’t think many will disagree with me on this point.
here’s where we may diverge: he IS responsible for the deaths in afghanistan – just as much as the idiots in afghanistan who did the killing.
“but he’s free to make his socio/political statement, we can’t censor that!” you might say. and i agree with you on this point. but to claim that he is not responsible for the deaths, is no different than saying the person in the crowded theater who yelled FIRE! was merely exercising free speech and is not responsible for the injuries or damage incurred. similarly, the idiot who proclaims “i’m going to kill the president!” – go for it. but don’t be surprised when the secret service show up, m’kay?
you ARE most definitely free to say these things. we’ll all defend to the death your right to say whatever you want, but don’t expect me to defend the rubbish you’ve spewed or defend you from the consequences of that spewing.
mal.entropy
persnicketywicket
