its fucktastic!

10.20 am : internet is running slowly.

10.45 am : after running extensive ping, traceroute, and speedtests, then rebooting every piece of hardware i can lay hand on and run it all again – 20 to 40% packet loss after 2 router hops.

11.20 am : when i can’t find any working network status page for comcast, i finally call them. they tell me i’m not on the account and can’t put in a trouble ticket.

11.40 am : i log into comcast via my gf’s laptop, add myself to the account, although due to high packet loss, it may have been more expedient to use carrier pigeon. i call back.

11.50 am : the support rep i am on the phone with tells me she can’t see any trouble in my area, but also admits that their internal system is down. she apologizes for not being able to help troubleshoot what she is fairly certain is really just a problem occurring between my computer and the modem. i refrain from telling her that that is the only saving grace about this call.

12.10 pm : i try and get some work done, but am continually booted from my remote desktop session. i play angry birds and eat lunch.

12.50 pm : i re-run all my diagnostics, not only from my pc, but from my gf’s laptop and directly off the router itself. i double check all ethernet and coax cabling.

1.05 pm : i randomly google comcast twitter and find the twitter accounts of several techs who seem to be giving more solid help, advice, or even just up-to-date status to customers. i connect with a tech and am passed off to a second tech with a request for details of the issue.

1.30 pm : i happily send them brief traceroute & ping logs.

3.05 pm : i send a quick check-in to see if they have any updates on the issue.

3.15 pm : i realize that neither of the techs has responded to any issues since shortly after 1.30. apparently, they are on the east coast and have gone home.

4.00 pm : after having wasted an entire day, i call comcast again. their system is still down and since i never received any type of follow-up, i not only do not have a trouble ticket, but there is apparently no record of any of my previous contacts. i hang up in disgust.

4.30 pm : i am filled with the rage. i can’t  watch anything through boxee box, because it … you know, uses the fucking internet. i pretend that all the little pigs are comcast employees while i play motherfucking rage-filled birds some more. whatever corporate fuckwit decided that there should be no network status page deserves a triangular, yellow, gurgling bird to the throat.

4.50 pm : in a last ditch effort to at least appear productive, i call support again. i get put on hold and hang up.

5:20 pm : consistent service appears to be restored (just in time for people to get home and start watching tv!).

i almost hate you more than AT&T. almost.

[edit] i have been contacted by several customer relations people regarding this post. i will update this story as warranted.

entitlements of the day

dear people of earth,

you are not entitled to make it through the light. stop honking your horn fuck-wad. wait your goddamn turn.

you are not entitled to that parking spot. i couldn’t move any further up, and it wasn’t even a spot anyway, so suck it.

you are not entitled to know what is happening on the other side of the freeway. stop rubbernecking, ass-hats.

you are not entitled to have a post office experience free of line. knock off your bitching.

you are not entitled to in the fastest lanes at all times, so quit swerving your car all the fuck over the place, shit-head.

game testing, you need it

(or “how to fix the myriad of unnecessary bugs in alice: madness returns” (pc version))

i spent over 30 mins last night trying to engage the fucking umbrella while getting my ass handed to me by an obnoxious sludge monster until i finally realized there was something wrong.

when i plunk down 50$ for a game, i expect to wrangle with some driver issues, or a “this service should be stopped to improve framerate”, or whatever – so the problems with alice are fairly unacceptable. seriously, did anyone do a clean install before ship? because every issue i’ve had so far dealt ENTIRELY with borked keybinding config files (those are the text files that map the keys of your mouse & keyboard to actions like move forward, attack, etc…). with all the things that could go wrong – this is the fuckup? really? ea should be ashamed of themselves.

so, the following is a collection of fixes that got me back up and running. your path will most likely be different from mine (so change [R:\Steam\steamapps\common\] to your path). there also seems to be a different naming convention between pc download/boxed vs. installed from steam versions in that steam’s files are “DefaultInput.ini”, but i’ve seen references to “AliceInput.ini” – these are the same files, just switch “Alice” for “Default” if needed. and of course, keep a backup copy of any file you change.

fixes:

1. umbrella glitch (changing the key that engages the umbrella deflect unbinds the action)
2. cannon glitch (can’t fire cannons or depth charges on the ship minigame)
3. hysteria (can’t change hysteria key in UI)
4. ?? i’ve seen references to glitches that are in parts of the game i haven’t reached, but were fixed by some of the below items, so YMMV, but i’ll update this list if i come across any more.
5. [submitted by spee] framerate glitch using nvidia twinview.
6. BONUS: enable special edition dresses & weapons

here it is:

1. open the file R:\Steam\steamapps\common\alice madness returns\AliceGame\Config\DefaultInput.ini
2. find the line: Key_Block = TriggerBlock
3. change it to: Key_Block = TriggerBlock true | OnRelease TriggerBlock false
4. everywhere you see a “|” character in the file, make sure that it has spaces on either side, like: ” | “
5. the umbrella is glitched, so if you want to change what key does the umbrella deflect, find this line: +Bindings=(Name=”E”,Command=”TriggerBlock true | OnRelease TriggerBlock false”)
6. change “E” to whatever key you want to use. i use “/” because i’m left handed, so my right hand is on the keyboard.
7. likewise, on the line: +Bindings=(Name=”Enter”,Command=”TriggerHysteria”) change “Enter” to something else if you want to – there’s no option to change this in the UI, so here’s your chance.
8. save & close this file.
9. open the file R:\Steam\steamapps\common\alice madness returns\AliceGame\Config\DefaultControlLayout.ini
10. find the line: KeyBindArray2=(Name=”E”,Command=”Use | push | PickUpActor | QuitFPS | SwitchWeaponGroup”)
11. comment it out like: //KeyBindArray2=(Name=”E”,Command=”Use | push | PickUpActor | QuitFPS | SwitchWeaponGroup”)
12. everywhere you see a “|” character in the file, make sure that it has spaces on either side, like: ” | “
13. save & close this file.
14. BONUS: dresses (i don’t know if this works for non-steam installed versions): unlock the special edition dresses and weapons by opening this file: R:\Steam\steamapps\common\alice madness returns\AliceGame\Config\DefaultEngine.ini
15. find the section: [AliceGame.AliceGameEngine] at the very end of the file.
16. change: GIsSpecialPCEdition=FALSE to GIsSpecialPCEdition=TRUE
17. save & close this file.
18. IMPORTANT: run the game, go into the configuration and reset the controls to DEFAULT. change your other keys as you see fit, just leave umbrella alone. this will also reset your mouse settings, so make sure you reset those as well.
19. to use the special edition stuff, go to equip from the main menu – use the arrow keys to change equipped options – trying to change them with the mouse WILL NOT WORK.
20. if you are using nvidia twinview and experiencing intermittent pauses in your framerate, try disabling your second monitor in windows (thanks spee!). considering that it seems to affect both the newer geforce 460 and my (quite a bit) older 8800, i’m going to assume that anyone with an nvidia card using multiple monitors is going to feel this one.

hopefully this will save you some time & energy – again, i will update this if i come across anything else, but this seems to have fixed everything so far. besides the specific umbrella glitch, the “|” change seemed to be the most important fix. weird, i know.

note: almost all of these i culled on a one-by-one basis from various forums and i take no credit for their discovery. they were, however, all the fuck over the place, so i thought i’d pull them into a single location (for my own benefit as much as yours).

all that said, other than this COMPLETELY FUCKING ANNOYING and TRAGIC flaw, the game is gorgeous and i’m totally loving the hell out of it. enjoy.

[edit] just a quick note on enabling the limited edition content – it will add a new item, to play the classic version of alice, to the main menu – unless you actually purchased the “complete edition”, this link will not work. just ignore it.

the best reason ever to love the ONION

dear the onion,

thank you for the valuable services you provide. namely, drawing such an obvious line in the sand – or actually, allowing the stupid to draw it for us – is immensely helpful and gives us a clear starting point when we need to thin the herd a bit.

your generosity for providing such a valuable service – and for the amusement it brings the rest of us – is commendable, and it is a true comfort to know that knowledge and irony are not dead. kudos!

best regards,

m.e

p.s. can’t forget a shout-out to the amazing person who compiled this resource for us – thank you!!!

without further ado, i present the i hate you because you are dumb – redux at this link of secondary damage and mayhem caused by the onion: literally unbelievable.

unavailable music makes me angry

this rant may piss some people off, and while i’m not really sorry about that, i don’t want anyone in particular to take it personally.

let me start off by saying: i buy a lot of music. a lot. i even still have the first 3 cds i ever purchased (probably more than that, but there’s only 3 in particular that i can point to and say “those were the first”):

1. depeche mode – speak & spell
2. new order – substance 1987 (2cd)
3. the cure – staring at the sea

there are a handful of cds that i have 2 of. i have 5 different versions of the everything counts ep by depeche mode. i have incredibly rare cds, stamped or hand-numbered cds, promo cds, limited edition box sets, misprints, and any number of other odd ball (sometimes) collectibles.

since i purchased my droid, i’ve run up a fairly hefty tab on both amazon mp3 and bandcamp (whose model is brilliant, by the way).

i only mention all this because i want you to understand that it’s not my intent to freeload. and with the proliferation of music being released digitally, i do this less and less, but…

what i can’t buy, i steal. and it makes me somewhat angry.

it used to be that i would download tons of music, in the form of ripped mp3s – from this would come my decision on what to lay down money for. when i was broke, or jobless, all i could do was download. but now that i’m gainfully employed again, i find that i spend upward of 100$/month on this addiction hobby addiction.

to come to the point, a particular band i appreciate (and have purchased from in the past) has a limited-edition ep; but it will only be available at a particular location, at a particular time, and will be otherwise unavailable. i find that i’m somewhat insulted by this. i can’t and won’t be at that location at that time, and while i should have thought to mention to someone on tour with this band to grab me a copy, it didn’t occur to me until too late.

so my annoyance is, i would still purchase a copy from bandcamp or other digital retailer, but supposedly it won’t be available. i mean, i can understand the idea of “exclusive songs”, and i could totally understand something like, “it’s exclusive, but it’ll be part of a ‘ep collection’ cd or whatever, but not until next year” – that’s cool. but “you can get this recording here and never again” says to me ”my shit is so exclusive no one will ever hear it”. good for you. it’s possible no one will. and congratulations for wasting the time of the remixers and other people who worked in production and whatnot, because now no one will hear their work either. except for, you know, the 100 people who get the exclusive cd.

similarly, a cd that’s out-of-print and only available on ebay for 200$ is probably also going to get downloaded. just sayin’. it’s not like the artist is going to see a percentage of that profit, so if its not something that i value at 200$ (which, off the top of my head, is nothing), then forget it.

on a side note, several years ago, i was contacted by a member of a band, asking me to remove one of his band’s cds from being publicly available (it was shared in my P2P client). as it was still relatively new, i complied, but was vaguely annoyed after thinking about it for a while – i wouldn’t have even known about his band except that i downloaded a single (because it featured a remixer that i like) from the same P2P network, liked most of the songs, and so then shelled out the 20-something$ (US) for the import-only full-length cd.

so really i guess this rant was just about: hey, why don’t you want people to listen to your music when you want people to listen to your music? what kind of fucking logic is that?

i know there a bunch of musicians on my various follow lists, thoughts?

and finally because i feel like pimping some stuff, these recent acquisitions are awesome:

• caustic – the golden vagina of fame and profit (metropolis)
• distorted memory – swallowing the sun (cop intl)
• mangadrive – purge.the.sky [le] (aphotic audio)

i hate you because you are dumb

sometimes i make the mistake of reading sarah palin’s facebook page.

i’m almost immediately filled with an urgent sense of horror and dismay. it is literally terrifying to me to read the responses, by her adoring fans, to her absurd rhetoric.

they are the nonsensical, un-punctuated, pie-hole noises set into the cement of the interwebs, by … who? who are these people? let’s find out…

please note: this is by no means a comprehensive list (or even the worst). but this was all i could handle without needing an anti-depressant. also, i have NOT edited these in ANY fashion.

NO NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED – THERE ARE NO INNOCENTS.

soup? who eats that shit anyways?

a 3rd party has remarked upon my tendency to diverge from the point of a rant, occasionally off into the sunset.

i think this is a valid point. but sometimes i’m just angry. so there. so my question to you is: why you gotta hate? and eat soup? who eats that shit anyways? WHO?

oh wait, i guess i was hating first. and i occasionally eat soup. but you know what? fuck that bitch.

also, you don’t like it, go write your own!

letter to client

good afternoon ms. important-pants, ph.d.,

i would like to apologize for the apparent miscommunication between you and our team which necessitated that you cc: us, our boss, your boss, and every tangentially-related person in creation, on your email about how you didn’t receive what you wanted.

as an aside, i would like to commend your agency on its careful cultivation of english as a foreign language. i was not aware of any other official dialects of american english (outside of ebonics), but it seems i have not followed recent developments as closely as i should have. i’m curious if you are able to leverage your dialect as a method to procuring more grants as a “protected minority” (eg, “rich, unable to use dictionary”)?

returning to the point at hand, i agree that it is of utmost importance that there be a written understanding of our deliverables to you, as you are either unable to specify them in a clear fashion or you have only provided this information to your imaginary associate who unfortunately neglected to pass it along before we completed our original work.

we are currently working to rectify this situation however and should have a revised dataset as soon as you can respond to my attached request for clarification on your “clear specs”.

best regards,

[signed], f.u.

p.s.: if i am to understand correctly, congratulations are in order for your entry to the oxford dictionary being considered!!

symmetric difference -noun (mathematics)

a list of set A that did not match set B and a list of set B that did not match set A. essentially, the left-overs.

kudos! your precision and dedication to accuracy are sure a credit to the institution that awarded you a doctorate; or at least the government agency you are director of. or a ferret.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh

words with zynga

dear zynga,

words with friends is the crappiest, buggiest program i’ve ever had to uninstall from my droid. i left roughly 5 games hanging (several of which where i was crushing unknown random players into the ground), annoying my awesome gf (because i forced her to start playing as well – we would play head-to-head during commercial breaks while watching criminal minds), and wasting several entire work commutes waiting for you to “update” after “fixing an error that caused a crash”.

then i found the burstlyimagecache and realized the truth. you were cheating on me. you weren’t actually “fixing” the crash, you were downloading more advertisements to display after every move. sure i hit skip every single time, but it not only didn’t deter you, it spurred you into leaving this 1m cache of adverts on my sdcard (which, by the way, is running low on space after i copied 100 cds worth of music on there as well). so not cool.

so, you’re gone, and i’m taking my sdcard space back – i’ve deleted the burstlyimagecache directory and every other thing i could find that was even vaguely associated with you (and i have root, jerkface, i can do it).

p.s.: you’re you should hook up with rhapsody. you’re both space eating, information stealing bitches that leave shit lying around. you’d be perfect for each other.

p.p.s.: this hurts me so much because i really wanted to play. but, fuck you.

p.p.p.s.: that was on a TW, so 48 points for me, fuckers.