the twisted gardens of the mind

Archive for March, 2011

criminal minds: suspect premise

i believe thomas gibson as special agent aaron hotchner in the original criminal minds series. he’s uptight, anal, icy, precise, and driven – exactly the qualities that i would expect from an FBI profiler.

so now there’s another profiling team in town, but i’m just not buying it. criminal minds: suspect behavior is made up of agents who got kicked out of profiler school in the first month. they are a supposed FBI “red cell that operates outside the bureaucracy” (although this seems slightly disingenuous as they are part of the federal bureau of investigation, right? just sayin’).

forest whitacre operates his team out of a badly lit gym office – apparently operating outside of the bureaucracy has some problems, like the lack of a paid-up electricity bill. similarly, his phone is out of minutes, so the head of the FBI comes down to the gym to give forest his marching orders in person. like any good leader of a rogue team, forest’s management style is a mixture of arbitrary decision making, kicking in doors without a warrant, and voodoo.

CM portrayed a modicum of due diligence – showing up at places with a warrant, or at least yelling at the occupant “we can be back in 5 minutes with one”. CM:SB tosses that unnecessary step out the window, because really, if you want to see serious legalese, you should be watching LA law. as for solving a case, i’d say it’s split about 50/50 between kirsten vangsness’s sexy awesome hacking skills (so important to the franchise that they had to import her from CM), and forest’s ability to go into a holy trance where he becomes the serial killer and somehow lands an amazing intuitive triple lutz that helps track down their target.

janeane garofalo plays angry girl. the only character to have created her own nickname (in my mind), she’s defiant and likes to talk sternly at her superior officers. i think she moves about 4 facial muscles per episode, and would be the only believable character on the show.. if she wasn’t so angry. in a recent episode, they even tried to build her back-story as angry girl by having forest pull her aside with a comment like, “i know you got kicked off your last team for talking back…”, to which she angrily replies “but i was right!” forest mumbles something like “i know” and the matter is considered settled.

then there’s:

  • an ex-ira sniper, who has the potential to be an awesome character, but really needs to shoot more peeps.
  • feels-the-need-to-prove-himself guy, who “proved himself” in the pilot, but still acts like there’s more to prove.
  • blond-girl-who-calms-other-people-down, who has yet to be (or do) anything else.
  • and the amazing kirsten vangsness, as i mentioned previously, moonlighting from CM.

IMDB doesn’t yet list any “memorable quotes” from CM:SB, but i have one:

“as a profiler, we’re not supposed to jump to conclusions, but…”

i don’t remember who said it (and it may not be word-for-word), but i think it accurately wraps up this series so far. i’m not going to jump to any conclusions here, but i think they need some better writers.

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the itch(es) you can’t scratch

i scratch you in the eyes!
  • rhapsody:
    1. the player launches all crazy and when comcast burps, it freezes the pane.
    2. when the pane freezes or i click the wrong thing or whatever, it wipes my playlist.
    3. they still think my office is in europe.
    4. the player for droid needs a wifi connection. needs. so having the app on my droid is fairly useless unless i’m sitting at home. in which case, i’d be playing music from my computer.
  • comcast. for burping. loudly, often, and at length — you are the homer simpson of internet service providers.
  • trolls, for being (besides the obvious annoyance) a quandry. one of my other blogs has caught the eye of a serious net troll – one with a 4+ year long attention span (which is like half a century in net’time). i have a feeling that i might be able to leverage this into some notoriety for that blog. or it could just be a lot of annoying work.
  • spam trolls. putting #Droid in a twitter update should not net me a zillion offers for free phones, to be a beta tester for phones, or any other such nonsense.
  • wordpress, for suggesting that i “wow my iPad readers”. fuck iPads. fuck steve jobs (i have your joan baez backstage pass, jerk!). and
  • fuck apple too anyway. why? because apple sold YOUR souls, and not only made a zillion dollars but turned you all into sheep. #SheopleMakeDecisionsNotInTheirOwnBestInterest
  • fischerspooner, because i don’t want to like you, but i kind of do.
  • and finally, ants. for trying to invade our home.

Today’s Suckfest: Arianna Huffington and Lateness

I don’t know what slow boat I was on; what drugs I may have been snuck, or what rock I was napping under….but when the hell did Arianna Huffington sell the Huffington Post to AOL.  AOL?  As in AOL Time Warner?  As in the world’s leading media conglomerate and information redactor that she has been railing against for like 8 years.  Did she spend some time in a pod? What other reason can there be?  Oh, 315 Million reasons it seems.  315 Million Dollars should make her feel more secure than her piddly 35 Million in the Bank.

Update:  Will just came home and informed me that everyone already knows this (and that I knew too) CONSPIRACY of LIES! Regardless is all raises the question….why is no one filled with the Rages?

She has pissed off scientists (check it out); the Newspaper Guild, and well….moi.

Arianna is a Pimp.  She’s out on the street cashing in by selling something that doesn’t even BELONG to her.  The HuffPost’s best asset (besides its now tainted name) is its content–and the content is provided for free by Bloggers.  Bloggers who donate their time and energy because they want to create a space where you can hear news of interest to progressives/lefties/anarchists/and yes hippies.  And now they’re working for free for AOL Timewarner?  PIMP!

So, Arianna Huffington will become the first so-called Lefty to be placed on the Die In Fire list.  And to all of you who didn’t call, text, post, tweet, share, email, or yell this travesty to me…You may be next.


excel is NOT a database! and other dirty tricks…

excel is NOT a database. don’t use it like one. now that that’s off my chest…

bitches who need to be dead

fr** phe*** and the rest of the westb*** bapt*** chu***. you all know who i’m talking about. linked from an article about elizabeth taylor’s passing was the twitter of @margiejphe***, who has not only announced that the w.b.c. will picket taylor’s funeral, but is relinking every story about her own twitter about picketing the funeral. as if every disbelieving commentary is a successful paid advertisement for her organisation’s hatred.

does anyone remember the south park episode the death of eric cartman? cartman eats the skins from an entire bucket of KFC (the best part!), after which the rest of the south park gang ignores him. eventually, cartman begins to believe that he has died and become a ghost.

why can’t we apply this same principle to the phe*** clan? time, the village voice, the rest of the pundits and news sites out there are matching them up to every part-time troll on the internet. why can’t we just ignore them until they implode? i’m counting myself in this as well. reading some of this insanity is infuriating, but i think what makes me just as angry is that i feel manipulated into being angry about it. i want to be dismissive, but it’s so inflammatory and so vile that it’s hard to look away.

mar 11: amazing day of god’s wrath… god is cursing japan for worshiping [sic] false god buddha.

oh, and this one from another of the phe*** clan:

mar 24: god shakes the nirvana out of myanmar (burma) today. buddha has fallen and it can’t get up. fatty.

seriously, WHAT THE FUCK. that makes me want to ignore them with business end of a baseball bat. repeatedly.

i feel dirty for being upset by it, but there it is. even though they all deserve top placement on the die in a fire list, i won’t put them there because i don’t want to have to look at the names.

wow. as i’ve been writing this, i’ve had twitter scrolling along on another screen. this woman does not stop. her profile says she’s an attorney, but i think twitter troll is more accurate.

[sections of this were written yesterday]


misleading headlines :(

i almost had the best day today:

“i’m through,” palin says. (CNN)

…with being a whiny bitch, she adds. which i guess i’ll believe when i see.


the new DIF list

after some discussion, i’ve decided to add a “die in a fire” list to the blog to showcase those members of our species who need to die in a fire. and sooner, rather than later.

  • sarah palin: do i really need to explain this? it’s a surveyor’s mark! oh, and it annoys me to no end that she is described as “former US vice presidential nominee sarah palin” – when did failing miserably at something become a prestigious sounding title?
  • michele bachman: i’ve already covered this one.
  • jeanmarie guenot: for being a twatty stick-in-the-mud pilgrim. seriously, you move into a neighborhood with (multiple!) night clubs and then complain about the sound. really? why don’t you take your crackerjack box ph.d. and run your little venture capital evil bullshit out to brentwood with all the rest of the wanna-be bankers.
  • charles and david koch, and scott walker: for not only taking a huge shit all over what little of democratic process remains, but trying to blame it on everyone else.
  • shawn hannity: for being such an amazing tool and douchebag. if you got your nose any further up newt gingrich’s asshole, your feet might turn brown. i am especially fond of your implication that (a) the president >= the UN security council for dealing with the libya issue; and (b) for crowing about the number of vacation days the president has taken so far (as of aug 2010, 70 vacation days, whereas bush had taken 225 vacation days by the same point in his presidency).

the list will be ever-present to the right side of the blog, and will be updated when people deserve to be added or crossed off.

oh, and because i was annoyed to find this out: bush ended up spending 977 days on vacation over the course of his presidency. i’m going to assume this includes weekend days away, because if not, it would be like taking off EVERY OTHER DAY.


oh noes – the nuclear horror continues!

because… oh wait. natural gas and oil have far more deadlier (and costlier) accidents than nuclear.

remember that at the gas pumps.

(source: Benjamin Sovacool, National University of Singapore)