the twisted gardens of the mind

on-hold music

dear kaiser permanente,

the neo-classical music you are playing has a lot of high frequency notes played by stringed instruments. while i’m sure that on a high fidelity system, it sounds hip, over the limited frequency and bandwidth phone system, it sounds like over-modulated carnival music re-recorded through a mega-phone, and then played through an ice cream truck speaker.

it might be helpful to add the following message to your system:

your call is very important to us. if you would like to wait in silence, unsure as to whether the phone system has dropped your call, please press 1 now. if you would like the phone system to stab you repeatedly in the ear until your call is answered, please press 2. thank you for waiting, the next available pharmacist will be with you shortly.

please note that selecting option 2 will not guarantee that your call is not dropped, and audio may be turned into a mild white noise for periods of up to a minute – please do not be alarmed, we are merely simulating what might happen if your call were actually to be dropped. again, thank you for waiting.

regards,

me

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