the twisted gardens of the mind

Archive for May, 2011

the best reason ever to love the ONION

dear the onion,

thank you for the valuable services you provide. namely, drawing such an obvious line in the sand – or actually, allowing the stupid to draw it for us – is immensely helpful and gives us a clear starting point when we need to thin the herd a bit.

your generosity for providing such a valuable service – and for the amusement it brings the rest of us – is commendable, and it is a true comfort to know that knowledge and irony are not dead. kudos!

best regards,


p.s. can’t forget a shout-out to the amazing person who compiled this resource for us – thank you!!!

without further ado, i present the i hate you because you are dumb – redux at this link of secondary damage and mayhem caused by the onion: literally unbelievable.


unavailable music makes me angry

this rant may piss some people off, and while i’m not really sorry about that, i don’t want anyone in particular to take it personally.

let me start off by saying: i buy a lot of music. a lot. i even still have the first 3 cds i ever purchased (probably more than that, but there’s only 3 in particular that i can point to and say “those were the first”):

  1. depeche mode – speak & spell
  2. new order – substance 1987 (2cd)
  3. the cure – staring at the sea

there are a handful of cds that i have 2 of. i have 5 different versions of the everything counts ep by depeche mode. i have incredibly rare cds, stamped or hand-numbered cds, promo cds, limited edition box sets, misprints, and any number of other odd ball (sometimes) collectibles.

since i purchased my droid, i’ve run up a fairly hefty tab on both amazon mp3 and bandcamp (whose model is brilliant, by the way).

i only mention all this because i want you to understand that it’s not my intent to freeload. and with the proliferation of music being released digitally, i do this less and less, but…

what i can’t buy, i steal. and it makes me somewhat angry.

it used to be that i would download tons of music, in the form of ripped mp3s – from this would come my decision on what to lay down money for. when i was broke, or jobless, all i could do was download. but now that i’m gainfully employed again, i find that i spend upward of 100$/month on this addiction hobby addiction.

to come to the point, a particular band i appreciate (and have purchased from in the past) has a limited-edition ep; but it will only be available at a particular location, at a particular time, and will be otherwise unavailable. i find that i’m somewhat insulted by this. i can’t and won’t be at that location at that time, and while i should have thought to mention to someone on tour with this band to grab me a copy, it didn’t occur to me until too late.

so my annoyance is, i would still purchase a copy from bandcamp or other digital retailer, but supposedly it won’t be available. i mean, i can understand the idea of “exclusive songs”, and i could totally understand something like, “it’s exclusive, but it’ll be part of a ‘ep collection’ cd or whatever, but not until next year” – that’s cool. but “you can get this recording here and never again” says to me “my shit is so exclusive no one will ever hear it”. good for you. it’s possible no one will. and congratulations for wasting the time of the remixers and other people who worked in production and whatnot, because now no one will hear their work either. except for, you know, the 100 people who get the exclusive cd.

similarly, a cd that’s out-of-print and only available on ebay for 200$ is probably also going to get downloaded. just sayin’. it’s not like the artist is going to see a percentage of that profit, so if its not something that i value at 200$ (which, off the top of my head, is nothing), then forget it.

on a side note, several years ago, i was contacted by a member of a band, asking me to remove one of his band’s cds from being publicly available (it was shared in my P2P client). as it was still relatively new, i complied, but was vaguely annoyed after thinking about it for a while – i wouldn’t have even known about his band except that i downloaded a single (because it featured a remixer that i like) from the same P2P network, liked most of the songs, and so then shelled out the 20-something$ (US) for the import-only full-length cd.

so really i guess this rant was just about: hey, why don’t you want people to listen to your music when you want people to listen to your music? what kind of fucking logic is that?

i know there a bunch of musicians on my various follow lists, thoughts?

and finally because i feel like pimping some stuff, these recent acquisitions are awesome:

i hate you because you are dumb

sometimes i make the mistake of reading sarah palin’s facebook page.

i’m almost immediately filled with an urgent sense of horror and dismay. it is literally terrifying to me to read the responses, by her adoring fans, to her absurd rhetoric.

they are the nonsensical, un-punctuated, pie-hole noises set into the cement of the interwebs, by … who? who are these people? let’s find out…

please note: this is by no means a comprehensive list (or even the worst). but this was all i could handle without needing an anti-depressant. also, i have NOT edited these in ANY fashion.



soup? who eats that shit anyways?

a 3rd party has remarked upon my tendency to diverge from the point of a rant, occasionally off into the sunset.

i think this is a valid point. but sometimes i’m just angry. so there. so my question to you is: why you gotta hate? and eat soup? who eats that shit anyways? WHO?

oh wait, i guess i was hating first. and i occasionally eat soup. but you know what? fuck that bitch.

also, you don’t like it, go write your own!

letter to client

good afternoon ms. important-pants, ph.d.,

i would like to apologize for the apparent miscommunication between you and our team which necessitated that you cc: us, our boss, your boss, and every tangentially-related person in creation, on your email about how you didn’t receive what you wanted.

as an aside, i would like to commend your agency on its careful cultivation of english as a foreign language. i was not aware of any other official dialects of american english (outside of ebonics), but it seems i have not followed recent developments as closely as i should have. i’m curious if you are able to leverage your dialect as a method to procuring more grants as a “protected minority” (eg, “rich, unable to use dictionary”)?

returning to the point at hand, i agree that it is of utmost importance that there be a written understanding of our deliverables to you, as you are either unable to specify them in a clear fashion or you have only provided this information to your imaginary associate who unfortunately neglected to pass it along before we completed our original work.

we are currently working to rectify this situation however and should have a revised dataset as soon as you can respond to my attached request for clarification on your “clear specs”.

best regards,

[signed], f.u.

p.s.: if i am to understand correctly, congratulations are in order for your entry to the oxford dictionary being considered!!

symmetric difference -noun (mathematics)

a list of set A that did not match set B and a list of set B that did not match set A. essentially, the left-overs.

kudos! your precision and dedication to accuracy are sure a credit to the institution that awarded you a doctorate; or at least the government agency you are director of. or a ferret.