elect me for president of the united states of america in 2012 (or 2016, if we’re still around).
i’m serious. my platform is simple and direct:
- i won’t accept corporate or lobby
- i could give a fuck about talking to the CEOs of google, time-warner, or whatever. they don’t need help making money — inner cities, schools, and other civil services do.
- mitt romney makes almost 50$million per year, in interest. at a 5% interest rate, that means he has like 1$billion in the bank. i have, on average, about 1500$. i’m rooting for the underdog 99% — you’d better believe taxes will go up sharply after your income passes half million dollars per year.*
- i will put a halt to the insider trading practices in congress. I WILL ARREST YOU, CONGRESS.
- actually, i will try to put a halt to wall street’s quackery as well. racketeering, bitches — the mafia gets put away for it, you’ll get your turn. I WILL ARREST YOU, WALL STREET.
- we’ll stay the fuck out of things that don’t concern us. we ARE NOT “world police”.
- no big government? great! first off, i’ll get them to stop spying on our own citizens — that should save us a bundle. second: TSA, you are worse than useless and you’re getting cut. buh-bye.
- health insurance: you can have it.
- education: you can have it. without going into debt for, like, the rest of your life.
vote for me.
because everyone else sucks.
* this may or may not be an accurate reflection of how his money …uh, works. either way, i put it to you, gentle reader, that he has too much of it, and isn’t using it for the betterment of his fellow man — or even himself.