political what-the-fuck-ery

elect me for president of the united states of america in 2012 (or 2016, if we’re still around).

i’m serious. my platform is simple and direct:

1. i won’t accept corporate or lobby fundingbribes.
2. i could give a fuck about talking to the CEOs of google, time-warner, or whatever. they don’t need help making money — inner cities, schools, and other civil services do.
3. mitt romney makes almost 50$million per year, in interest. at a 5% interest rate, that means he has like 1$billion in the bank. i have, on average, about 1500$. i’m rooting for the underdog 99% — you’d better believe taxes will go up sharply after your income passes half million dollars per year.*
4. i will put a halt to the insider trading practices in congress. I WILL ARREST YOU, CONGRESS.
5. actually, i will try to put a halt to wall street’s quackery as well. racketeering, bitches — the mafia gets put away for it, you’ll get your turn. I WILL ARREST YOU, WALL STREET.
6. we’ll stay the fuck out of things that don’t concern us. we ARE NOT “world police”.
7. no big government? great! first off, i’ll get them to stop spying on our own citizens — that should save us a bundle. second: TSA, you are worse than useless and you’re getting cut. buh-bye.
8. health insurance: you can have it.
9. education: you can have it. without going into debt for, like, the rest of your life.

vote for me.

because everyone else sucks.

 

* this may or may not be an accurate reflection of how his money …uh, works. either way, i put it to you, gentle reader, that he has too much of it, and isn’t using it for the betterment of his fellow man — or even himself.