- stupid mobile apps. i was sitting behind someone on bart yesterday who had his laptop open, running eclipse, and was very intent on some code. since i’m nosy, and this is relevant to my interests, i scanned the code over his shoulder. his app was stupid and it actually made me sad to see time and effort wasted on something so lame. it made me want to write an app that would count the number of armpit hairs that you have and then share the results with your friends and family on social media. you could compare your hairs per square inch to your colleagues, see if longer vs. shorter hairs run in your high school social circles. actually the worst part of this fantasy app is that it would still be less stupid than the app he was making.
- useless projects (especially being involved in them — yes.. see? sometimes i’m disheartened by some of the projects i have to work on too).
- virtualbox, for having completely broken usb pass-thru. no, i’m not even trying to pass-thru my wifi interface, i already know that shit is fucked.. i’m talking about the microsd card that windows will absolutely chew the fuck up when i can use
ddinstead with half the annoyance.
- half-assed implementations of .net+jQuery.
- appcelerator, i will hit you with a brick.
- windows for attempting to upgrade me from 7 to 10. no, just no. fuck off, no.
- windows, again, for completely ignoring my opt-out of the customer experience improvement program (ceip). after opting the fuck out, a recent microsoft update took a shit all over my system running performance data collection (and uploading to microsoft!) — supposedly, it’s anonymous, but since i’d already OPTED THE FUCK OUT it shouldn’t have been running anyway.
- windows, again, because the only reason i even noticed all these broken processes running anyway is because that shit was running anyway and ALL THE TIME. at rest, with everything closed and my anti-virus paused, my hard disk was hitting 100kb/s of I/O. what the serious fuck? i shut down every single ceip related task and things are mostly back to normal.
- marketingese and the need to monetize every-fucking-thing.
i was doing some research on predictive analysis algorithms when i came across… (emphasis and commentary mine)
our very expensive product “empowers professionals and enterprises to capture and share health knowledge”.
empower (verb): make (someone) strong and more confident, especially in controlling their life and claiming their rights.
our “health analytics market[place] liberates this knowledge and makes it readily accessible so that every health professional [with a large enough budget] can take advantage of it”.
liberate (verb): set (someone) free from a situation, especially imprisonment or slavery, in which their liberty is severely restricted. release (someone) from a state or situation that limits freedom of thought or behavior.
- those fragments are from the same fucking paragraph.
- i feel weird that people are feeling empowered to imprison my “health knowledge”.
- i feel confused that the same fucking people who have “captured my health knowledge” are trying to “liberate” it again. is this an expendables movie? will jason statham show up and rescue my liberated health knowledge?
- the fact that all of this data could be actually used to save people’s lives, instead of being bottled up and sold, pisses me off. fuck these people.
i feel a little bad about shitting on the guy working on his stupid iphone app above. i really do hope it was a learning project. but seriously, i’ve had it up to here with people attempting to monetize everything — no matter how important or stupidly trivial — and then adding insult to injury by having marketing pouring a case of obsession for men onto their shit sandwich and then everyone dances around applauding their epic new sucking emptiness.
- calling a mouse ambidextrous and saying it’s good for lefties is bullshit. ambidextrous mice are for ambidextrous people or people who want carpal tunnel.
- people who put their left-handed logitech mx610 on ebay or amazon for 300$. 300 fucking dollars. i will hit you with a brick.
- hp desktops. to be fair, the more of it i replace, the more tightly focused my rage is with this machine. it’s probably my own fault for leaving the motherboard to last. but still… hp desktops.
- my new ambidextrous razer mouse. i mean, i love everything about how it feels, but totally hate where the all of the buttons are placed.
- why is tilt-click no longer a thing? it’s my 2nd, maybe 3rd most used feature of my whole fucking computer. :(
- i very carefully took apart my old mx610 last night and very carefully lost the one tiny piece that makes the scroll wheel click instead of free-spin. i have no idea what the part even looks like; it was lost in the decade-grown hay bale of cat fur that i was pulling out of the mouse wheel’s axle assembly… and then it was just lost.
- trying to run the android emulator over vnc. is it vnc-server’s problem? is it kvm’s problem? it’s a headless box for fucks sake.
- every time i type vnc, chrome underlines it like its spelled wrong. it’s not.
- google music – at one time, my favorite of all the google services, i now try my hardest to not update anything to the latest version. i don’t care about your stupid radio stations[*] curated by stupid people. i have my very own radio station and it’s called “the 30gb of music i uploaded to google music and several dozen albums i’ve bought directly from the play store”.
- google music, again. because i masochistically looked at the “top charts” and it showed me something by skrillex and justin bieber. fuck you google music “curators”. i can’t believe that you actually exist, somewhere there is an algorithm “self-driving music curator”. seriously? i will not run out of bricks.
[*] side note: avoid the ads and other radio cruft by keeping your play music app (for android) at v5.9.something (basically anything under v6). for the web interface (chrome) i have been able to use adblock to selectively edit out all the radio station & subscription buttons. no guarantee that this will stand the test of time, but.. here’s my filters:
play.google.com##A[class="nav-item-container tooltip sub"]
play.google.com##DIV[class="banner ws-search-banner ^material-banner material-shadow-z1"]
just add that to your filters. note the carats (“^”) in the last 3 lines! replace those with an extra space (so there’s a double at those locations. i’m not sure why it makes a difference, but for at least 1 of them it does.
caveat: i’ve noticed that if the tab is open-on-start, chrome will often load the page from cache and will not apply the filters, but a simple refresh will take care of that.
10. jumping a car
this one seems obvious, unless you’ve actually done it for real. in an actual car, without stunt modifications or whatever, it is a much more terrifying experience than you would think. at the moment wheels leave pavement, all bets are off. one-eighth of a second later, when you bounce the bottom of your car off the road, leaving a chunk of it embedded in your pan, and your vehicle picks up a bit of rotation for its next bounce … well, i’ve done it twice, but the second time was only because i’d forgotten how much i nearly wet the driver’s seat the first time.
9. being a lumberjack
buttered scones and women’s panties? doesn’t seem that hard. i only got as far as splitting fireplace logs for my grandparents. the following week i was a whiny smell-o-vision advertisement for tiger balm.
8. bullying the president (of the united states)
this is one i have not been able to try. but everyone seems to do it on tv. francis underwood (kevin spacey) & cyrus beene (jeff perry) make pushing around the man in the oval office look like pizza day in the middle school cafeteria.
7. being an spy (super or otherwise)
so burn notice
is was a great show, with plenty of HGTV-style tips on how to be a spy.
sprinkle a mixture of flour and dayglo powder on your floor before you go out, and you’ll know whether you’ve had any visitors and what they were after. – michael weston (jeffrey donovan)
besides making something of a mess, what i have come to realize is that all of the so-called “intelligence services” started somewhere outside the scope of the advice given on the show. i have my own intelligence service now, but apparently what my cats are doing or how much time i spend on a level of portal is of very little interest to military or government organizations. to raise interest, however, i am planning a wiki-leaks style internet exposé of top secret cat-oriented conversations. stuff like “get off the counter!”, “get out of my ice cream!”, and whatnot. my baby kitten walking down my hallway youtube video has only 117 views, so that’s sort of like still having a secret.
6. home renovations
property brothers and mike holmes. i’d like to mix in some of the tips from burn notice with the style and quality home improvement know-how of these guys. i’m pretty sure that this endeavor will end up with “hidey holes”, secret rooms, and other nonsense totally fucking up our ability to collect our deposit when we move out. unless by some chance my partner fixes them all up (after stuffing my corpse into one of them for, you know, totally fucking up the walls).
5. creating a kill room
dexter does it in like 5 minutes, so how hard could it be, right? i tried wrapping a roommate’s stuff in foil once, but i lost interest after about 3 items. total time spent: roughly 90 minutes. foil used: 2 rolls, most of which lay in giant balls of shredded or ripped segments on the floor.
4. managing a conspiracy
here’s another one we see all the time. conspirators on scandal or house of cards manage a conspiracy like its a waterbed. once it’s popped, you better kill all the occupants of the house, so that no one will ever know the waterbed existed. everything is either under-kill or overkill. i am currently managing no less than
[REDACTED] conspiracies, personally, and i do not have a waterbed.
3. flipping (houses, storage units, furniture, etc…)
all of these people have way more time than i do (or motivation). but i hate the people who flip houses most. how do they get anything done with all the whining about flipping the house? for me, this really feels like an extension of #6. i think if the roof was good and there were no spiders, i’d be all fuck it, it works great! and sit down to watch some tv. generally though, i tend like the people who do cool things with recycled furniture (mary, from storage wars: texas comes to mind) and recently bought a set of power tools in an effort to motivate myself to do some home improvement projects. i built a cat-landing that attaches to my bed-frame and allows the cats to glare out the bedroom window at wildlife crossing through the backyard. two of my cats fight over it, and now, pleased with my obvious success as a cat-furniture artisan, the tools have sat mostly untouched in the two months since.
2. having sex in the shower
all dramatic television has this. it might actually be law somewhere that there’s a shower-sex scene, tastefully obscured of course, in an episode around the third season. i think where this goes wrong for me is the whole shower-but-bathtub thing. bathtubs are slippery, there’s nowhere to get a leg up, soap tastes like .. well soap, and i worry more that i’ll end up with a broken arm than on the task at hand. which brings me to the question: why do showers not have safety harnesses? or better yet, padded showers with heated cushions? now that i think about it, why has no one done a combination shower/ball-pen? (note to self: have mike holmes build us cushioned ball-pen shower)
because lasers, that’s why. i have several for cat-toys, but once the cats are done with them, they are useless. i aimed 2 of them at a piece of room-temperature butter once, but even their combined force was inadequate to overcome the simple task of melting a dimple into (forget cutting) the butter. i realize i could scavenge some blu-ray players for their more powerful laser, but my skill with a soldering iron is roughly equivalent to that of a three year old with a crayon. i would also like to reference burn notice one last time, because michael weston was always soldering something, from cool spy gadgets to cell phones, and i am convinced that i will brick everything my soldering iron comes into contact with because that shit is hard.
take a break from political nonsense to pw33n some n00bs!
a confluence of desires have led me to investigate the gaming capability of classic FPS games on my new(ish) razr maxx. here’s the rundown:
i tried 2 classic games’ ports to the android platform: quake2android & kwaak3. i found them both to run extremely well on the razr – between 40 & 70fps with sound and (in kwaak3) with lightmaps enabled. however, control on the keyboard-less razr was next to impossible.
quake2android supports accelerometer based movement and has interesting on-screen overlays (virtual d-pad, virtual keyboard). the primary overlay has 3 hotspot areas that can be bound to q2 functions and on-the-fly re-calibration of your accelerometer. i was able to move around and fire, but i had to sacrifice “crouch” for “shoot”, and tilt-to-move takes some getting used to.
so.. i started this entry nearly a year ago. in the month after, i ended up wiping these from my droid because they were just too difficult to play with any amount of excitement. so i thought i was going to delete this draft (while doing some fall cleaning), but decided i would mention that i recently discovered that carmageddon was available for droid and have been playing it non-stop since. it supports accelerometer based steering/acceleration, but i find i prefer the digital (although i have an annoying tendency to hit my home button mid-race).
speaking of carmageddon, fuck this guy: ca plate 6dzn864. i don’t know if you were drunk or just a shitty ass driver, but the center line is not there for you to follow – it is a fucking divider.
dear interwebz: today your net gain is ZERO.
with all the absurd video clips of ‘every time [person] on [show] says [catch phrase]’, WHY IS THERE NO ‘every time person on criminal minds says “what’s an unsub?”‘? seriously, what? get the fuck on that
– i’m sure i’m not the only person to needwant this.
in my search for the aforementioned clip, i did find this:
Their Unit Chief, Aaron Hotchner, was telling them all that lack of interdepartmental cooperation was a good way to let the UNSUB, as they called him, slip through the cracks.
“UNSUB…” Parkman snorted, casting a glance over at his partner, Mike, who was reading through a folder the BAU Media Liaison, Jennifer Jareau, had given out. “What the hell is that?”
“The UNSUB,” said a tall black man, that Parkman was pretty sure did swimsuit modeling when he was off the clock. “Is the Unknown Subject.”
“Isn’t that pretentious?” Sylar popped in, leaning on the edge of the next desk. He held up a pair of fingers behind the FBI agent’s head like rabbit ears. “Would you look at this guy? Janice would be all over him.”
yes, you are reading that correctly – criminal minds/heroes cross-over fanfic. it was no rule 34, but it was still amusingly annoying (/annoyingly amusing?) enough that i felt no more need to search any further for anything today.
oh and here’s the link – click at your own peril.
the “plus one”/”minus one” is not meant to signify any type of greatness, it was merely a measure of how much i felt the internet lived up to expectation today. had the story been rule 34, it would have scored much higher.