the twisted gardens of the mind


Andrew Breitbart Death Ruled “Death by Autoerotic Myocardial Infarction”

andrew breitbart loved to stir up controversy.

and now, barely 12 hours after his death, people all throughout the twit-verse are calling for congressional investigations, hearings (and other retarded wastes of time and money) into why he is no longer with us.

the pink liberal fascist assassins of obama killed breitbart.

obama killed breitbart over videotape of obama college gay coke party.

breitbart knew too much and paid the ultimate price.

but i submit to you that andrew breitbart may have only been a victim of a moment of inspired prescience – hear me out for a second:

he suddenly realized that if he could suddenly die under suspicious circumstances, a “perfect storm” of delusional media santorum would froth up. he could see this tidal wave of class warfare, caused by his martyrdom, sweeping across a torn nation. he imagined an army of “neo-andys” raising up, fighting in his name, for neo-con ideals – WHITE HETEROSEXUAL MALE SUPERIORITY! POLITICAL NEO-CONSERVATISM! YES! THE 1%! CAPITALISM! YES! YES!

and suddenly, his body just could no longer stand it: heart attack by masturbatory self delusion.

now, isn’t that so much easier to believe than a gay immigrant liberal hit squad?


today in good news/bad news…

good news : we need more people like indiana state senate minority leader vi simpson running things in this country. i would like to personally thank ms. simpson for her efforts to make us less stupid.

bad news : and we need less people like this dickhead, bashar assad, running them (anywhere). oh yeah, he thinks you’re an idiot. kudos to anonymous for exposing yet another douchecanoe to the world.

bart ticket queue

dear thoughtless in el cerrito,

i know it’s not rush hour, but standing in front of the sole working ticket machine, attempting to pick out your destination station from an alphabetized list, for more than 20 seconds pegs you as mentally handicapped or a twat.

glaring at me when i ask you to stand aside, so i can transact my business, is definitely snooty, but moving back to your former position, as soon as i’m done, to further ponder deeply where exactly you are planning to end this journey of self-discovery and how much it will cost to get you there – in front of the other people in line – is downright rude and cunty.

ripple of evil: i hope you lose your ticket and are forced to pay full fare. as a result, you swear off public transit forever and drive into the city tomorrow to meet your girlfriends for some shopping at macy’s. while on the bay bridge, the new katy perry song comes on the radio and you crank it up. in the few moments your attention is diverted, you miss the S-curve at treasure island and flip your car over the rail. it lands on the rocks below and paramedics arriving on the scene pronounce you extra dead.

there is a story about it on sfgate, but someone, correctly, comments: “and nothing of value was lost“.

entitlements of the day

dear people of earth,

you are not entitled to make it through the light. stop honking your horn fuck-wad. wait your goddamn turn.

you are not entitled to that parking spot. i couldn’t move any further up, and it wasn’t even a spot anyway, so suck it.

you are not entitled to know what is happening on the other side of the freeway. stop rubbernecking, ass-hats.

you are not entitled to have a post office experience free of line. knock off your bitching.

you are not entitled to in the fastest lanes at all times, so quit swerving your car all the fuck over the place, shit-head.

the best reason ever to love the ONION

dear the onion,

thank you for the valuable services you provide. namely, drawing such an obvious line in the sand – or actually, allowing the stupid to draw it for us – is immensely helpful and gives us a clear starting point when we need to thin the herd a bit.

your generosity for providing such a valuable service – and for the amusement it brings the rest of us – is commendable, and it is a true comfort to know that knowledge and irony are not dead. kudos!

best regards,


p.s. can’t forget a shout-out to the amazing person who compiled this resource for us – thank you!!!

without further ado, i present the i hate you because you are dumb – redux at this link of secondary damage and mayhem caused by the onion: literally unbelievable.

i hate you because you are dumb

sometimes i make the mistake of reading sarah palin’s facebook page.

i’m almost immediately filled with an urgent sense of horror and dismay. it is literally terrifying to me to read the responses, by her adoring fans, to her absurd rhetoric.

they are the nonsensical, un-punctuated, pie-hole noises set into the cement of the interwebs, by … who? who are these people? let’s find out…

please note: this is by no means a comprehensive list (or even the worst). but this was all i could handle without needing an anti-depressant. also, i have NOT edited these in ANY fashion.



freedom of speech vs. accessory to murder

terry jones needs to die in a fire. i don’t think many will disagree with me on this point.

here’s where we may diverge: he IS responsible for the deaths in afghanistan – just as much as the idiots in afghanistan who did the killing.

“but he’s free to make his socio/political statement, we can’t censor that!” you might say. and i agree with you on this point. but to claim that he is not responsible for the deaths, is no different than saying the person in the crowded theater who yelled FIRE! was merely exercising free speech and is not responsible for the injuries or damage incurred. similarly, the idiot who proclaims “i’m going to kill the president!” – go for it. but don’t be surprised when the secret service show up, m’kay?

you ARE most definitely free to say these things. we’ll all defend to the death your right to say whatever you want, but don’t expect me to defend the rubbish you’ve spewed or defend you from the consequences of that spewing.