the twisted gardens of the mind


today in good news/bad news…

good news : we need more people like indiana state senate minority leader vi simpson running things in this country. i would like to personally thank ms. simpson for her efforts to make us less stupid.

bad news : and we need less people like this dickhead, bashar assad, running them (anywhere). oh yeah, he thinks you’re an idiot. kudos to anonymous for exposing yet another douchecanoe to the world.


bart ticket queue

dear thoughtless in el cerrito,

i know it’s not rush hour, but standing in front of the sole working ticket machine, attempting to pick out your destination station from an alphabetized list, for more than 20 seconds pegs you as mentally handicapped or a twat.

glaring at me when i ask you to stand aside, so i can transact my business, is definitely snooty, but moving back to your former position, as soon as i’m done, to further ponder deeply where exactly you are planning to end this journey of self-discovery and how much it will cost to get you there – in front of the other people in line – is downright rude and cunty.

ripple of evil: i hope you lose your ticket and are forced to pay full fare. as a result, you swear off public transit forever and drive into the city tomorrow to meet your girlfriends for some shopping at macy’s. while on the bay bridge, the new katy perry song comes on the radio and you crank it up. in the few moments your attention is diverted, you miss the S-curve at treasure island and flip your car over the rail. it lands on the rocks below and paramedics arriving on the scene pronounce you extra dead.

there is a story about it on sfgate, but someone, correctly, comments: “and nothing of value was lost“.

freedom of speech vs. accessory to murder

terry jones needs to die in a fire. i don’t think many will disagree with me on this point.

here’s where we may diverge: he IS responsible for the deaths in afghanistan – just as much as the idiots in afghanistan who did the killing.

“but he’s free to make his socio/political statement, we can’t censor that!” you might say. and i agree with you on this point. but to claim that he is not responsible for the deaths, is no different than saying the person in the crowded theater who yelled FIRE! was merely exercising free speech and is not responsible for the injuries or damage incurred. similarly, the idiot who proclaims “i’m going to kill the president!” – go for it. but don’t be surprised when the secret service show up, m’kay?

you ARE most definitely free to say these things. we’ll all defend to the death your right to say whatever you want, but don’t expect me to defend the rubbish you’ve spewed or defend you from the consequences of that spewing.

Today’s Suckfest: Arianna Huffington and Lateness

I don’t know what slow boat I was on; what drugs I may have been snuck, or what rock I was napping under….but when the hell did Arianna Huffington sell the Huffington Post to AOL.  AOL?  As in AOL Time Warner?  As in the world’s leading media conglomerate and information redactor that she has been railing against for like 8 years.  Did she spend some time in a pod? What other reason can there be?  Oh, 315 Million reasons it seems.  315 Million Dollars should make her feel more secure than her piddly 35 Million in the Bank.

Update:  Will just came home and informed me that everyone already knows this (and that I knew too) CONSPIRACY of LIES! Regardless is all raises the question….why is no one filled with the Rages?

She has pissed off scientists (check it out); the Newspaper Guild, and well….moi.

Arianna is a Pimp.  She’s out on the street cashing in by selling something that doesn’t even BELONG to her.  The HuffPost’s best asset (besides its now tainted name) is its content–and the content is provided for free by Bloggers.  Bloggers who donate their time and energy because they want to create a space where you can hear news of interest to progressives/lefties/anarchists/and yes hippies.  And now they’re working for free for AOL Timewarner?  PIMP!

So, Arianna Huffington will become the first so-called Lefty to be placed on the Die In Fire list.  And to all of you who didn’t call, text, post, tweet, share, email, or yell this travesty to me…You may be next.

excel is NOT a database! and other dirty tricks…

excel is NOT a database. don’t use it like one. now that that’s off my chest…

bitches who need to be dead

fr** phe*** and the rest of the westb*** bapt*** chu***. you all know who i’m talking about. linked from an article about elizabeth taylor’s passing was the twitter of @margiejphe***, who has not only announced that the w.b.c. will picket taylor’s funeral, but is relinking every story about her own twitter about picketing the funeral. as if every disbelieving commentary is a successful paid advertisement for her organisation’s hatred.

does anyone remember the south park episode the death of eric cartman? cartman eats the skins from an entire bucket of KFC (the best part!), after which the rest of the south park gang ignores him. eventually, cartman begins to believe that he has died and become a ghost.

why can’t we apply this same principle to the phe*** clan? time, the village voice, the rest of the pundits and news sites out there are matching them up to every part-time troll on the internet. why can’t we just ignore them until they implode? i’m counting myself in this as well. reading some of this insanity is infuriating, but i think what makes me just as angry is that i feel manipulated into being angry about it. i want to be dismissive, but it’s so inflammatory and so vile that it’s hard to look away.

mar 11: amazing day of god’s wrath… god is cursing japan for worshiping [sic] false god buddha.

oh, and this one from another of the phe*** clan:

mar 24: god shakes the nirvana out of myanmar (burma) today. buddha has fallen and it can’t get up. fatty.

seriously, WHAT THE FUCK. that makes me want to ignore them with business end of a baseball bat. repeatedly.

i feel dirty for being upset by it, but there it is. even though they all deserve top placement on the die in a fire list, i won’t put them there because i don’t want to have to look at the names.

wow. as i’ve been writing this, i’ve had twitter scrolling along on another screen. this woman does not stop. her profile says she’s an attorney, but i think twitter troll is more accurate.

[sections of this were written yesterday]

the new DIF list

after some discussion, i’ve decided to add a “die in a fire” list to the blog to showcase those members of our species who need to die in a fire. and sooner, rather than later.

  • sarah palin: do i really need to explain this? it’s a surveyor’s mark! oh, and it annoys me to no end that she is described as “former US vice presidential nominee sarah palin” – when did failing miserably at something become a prestigious sounding title?
  • michele bachman: i’ve already covered this one.
  • jeanmarie guenot: for being a twatty stick-in-the-mud pilgrim. seriously, you move into a neighborhood with (multiple!) night clubs and then complain about the sound. really? why don’t you take your crackerjack box ph.d. and run your little venture capital evil bullshit out to brentwood with all the rest of the wanna-be bankers.
  • charles and david koch, and scott walker: for not only taking a huge shit all over what little of democratic process remains, but trying to blame it on everyone else.
  • shawn hannity: for being such an amazing tool and douchebag. if you got your nose any further up newt gingrich’s asshole, your feet might turn brown. i am especially fond of your implication that (a) the president >= the UN security council for dealing with the libya issue; and (b) for crowing about the number of vacation days the president has taken so far (as of aug 2010, 70 vacation days, whereas bush had taken 225 vacation days by the same point in his presidency).

the list will be ever-present to the right side of the blog, and will be updated when people deserve to be added or crossed off.

oh, and because i was annoyed to find this out: bush ended up spending 977 days on vacation over the course of his presidency. i’m going to assume this includes weekend days away, because if not, it would be like taking off EVERY OTHER DAY.

In search of authenticity

Today, someone I barely know, pointed out in the most gentle buddha-loving way possible, that I “rely on excessively violent imagery” in my communication.  Truthfully, I do know her.  Her name is Val and she’s a client who has reached out for consultation several times this year.   A lovely and kind woman with great intentions and generous thoughts.  Perhaps it is more accurate to say someone who doesn’t know me.

Now before you jump to my defense (as I’m sure you were preparing to do) there are three things you should know:

  • I have a flip chart labeled DIF in the middle of my office with a revolving list of names on it.  DIF stands for Die in Fire.
  • I brag about making people cry.
  • I know (with a certainty usually reserved for evangelicals) that I would have lower blood pressure if I had immunity to punch people in the face .

I’m not a terrible person, I just have terrible thoughts.  And while I may not give those thoughts free reign of my hands, I do give them free access to my mouth.  I’m a firm believer in a free range id.  As for Val?  I told her I was working on being my most authentic self…and then I added her to the DIF list.