the twisted gardens of the mind


things that are pissing me off, part ii

  • stupid mobile apps. i was sitting behind someone on bart yesterday who had his laptop open, running eclipse, and was very intent on some code. since i’m nosy, and this is relevant to my interests, i scanned the code over his shoulder. his app was stupid and it actually made me sad to see time and effort wasted on something so lame. it made me want to write an app that would count the number of armpit hairs that you have and then share the results with your friends and family on social media. you could compare your hairs per square inch to your colleagues, see if longer vs. shorter hairs run in your high school social circles. actually the worst part of this fantasy app is that it would still be less stupid than the app he was making.
  • useless projects (especially being involved in them — yes.. see? sometimes i’m disheartened by some of the projects i have to work on too).
  • virtualbox, for having completely broken usb pass-thru. no, i’m not even trying to pass-thru my wifi interface, i already know that shit is fucked.. i’m talking about the microsd card that windows will absolutely chew the fuck up when i can use dd instead with half the annoyance.
  • half-assed implementations of .net+jQuery.
  • appcelerator, i will hit you with a brick.
  • windows for attempting to upgrade me from 7 to 10. no, just no. fuck off, no.
  • windows, again, for completely ignoring my opt-out of the customer experience improvement program (ceip). after opting the fuck out, a recent microsoft update took a shit all over my system running performance data collection (and uploading to microsoft!) — supposedly, it’s anonymous, but since i’d already OPTED THE FUCK OUT it shouldn’t have been running anyway.
  • windows, again, because the only reason i even noticed all these broken processes running anyway is because that shit was running anyway and ALL THE TIME. at rest, with everything closed and my anti-virus paused, my hard disk was hitting 100kb/s of I/O. what the serious fuck? i shut down every single ceip related task and things are mostly back to normal.
  • marketingese and the need to monetize every-fucking-thing.

i was doing some research on predictive analysis algorithms when i came across… (emphasis and commentary mine)

our very expensive product “empowers professionals and enterprises to capture and share health knowledge”.

empower (verb): make (someone) strong and more confident, especially in controlling their life and claiming their rights.

our “health analytics market[place] liberates this knowledge and makes it readily accessible so that every health professional [with a large enough budget] can take advantage of it”.

liberate (verb): set (someone) free from a situation, especially imprisonment or slavery, in which their liberty is severely restricted. release (someone) from a state or situation that limits freedom of thought or behavior.

  1. those fragments are from the same fucking paragraph.
  2. i feel weird that people are feeling empowered to imprison my “health knowledge”.
  3. i feel confused that the same fucking people who have “captured my health knowledge” are trying to “liberate” it again. is this an expendables movie? will jason statham show up and rescue my liberated health knowledge?
  4. the fact that all of this data could be actually used to save people’s lives, instead of being bottled up and sold, pisses me off. fuck these people.

i feel a little bad about shitting on the guy working on his stupid iphone app above. i really do hope it was a learning project. but seriously, i’ve had it up to here with people attempting to monetize everything — no matter how important or stupidly trivial — and then adding insult to injury by having marketing pouring a case of obsession for men onto their shit sandwich and then everyone dances around applauding their epic new sucking emptiness.


why we should nuke wyoming instead of iran

wyoming wants you to believe that all your base are belong to wyoming. while i guess living in wyoming would make anyone a little stir crazy, this is really a worst case scenario.

Wyoming Republican legislator David Miller, who introduced a bill in the state legislature that would give the state the power, in an “emergency,” to create its own standing army through conscription, print its own currency, acquire military aircraft, suspend the legislature, and establish martial law. “Things happen quickly sometimes—look at Libya, look at Egypt, look at those situations,” Miller told the Star-Tribune in Casper, Wyoming. Repeating arguments employed by every military dictatorship over the past century, Miller declared, “We wouldn’t have time to meet as a Legislature or even in special session to do anything to respond.” Miller’s so-called “doomsday law” was defeated in the Wyoming legislature Tuesday by the narrow margin of 30-27. (

what happens when wyoming feels threatened by colorado’s superior technology industry? when they get the munchies and decide that idaho is going to be “their exclusive potato chip providing partner”? what happens when they don’t want to pay for all those potato chips??

simple: in a potato emergency, wyoming will be able to was almost able to draft civilians into their private wyoming army, acquire some f-16s for the wyoming air force, and start invading the rest of the country. to back them up, wyoming is home to francis e. warren air force base and their arsenal of over 150 “on-alert” ICBMs.

bitches, that lost by THREE votes. how in the fuck does wyoming come THREE votes from being able to print their very own money?

so that’s why we should nuke wyoming instead of iran — they’re a whole hotbed of domestic republican terrorists just waiting to strike and they’re ALREADY GOT NUCLEAR WEAPONS. oh, and obviously, no compunction whatsoever about putting YOU (you, being citizens of wyoming) on the front line in the war against…


…the war on “situations”, involving hoi polloi?

Andrew Breitbart Death Ruled “Death by Autoerotic Myocardial Infarction”

andrew breitbart loved to stir up controversy.

and now, barely 12 hours after his death, people all throughout the twit-verse are calling for congressional investigations, hearings (and other retarded wastes of time and money) into why he is no longer with us.

the pink liberal fascist assassins of obama killed breitbart.

obama killed breitbart over videotape of obama college gay coke party.

breitbart knew too much and paid the ultimate price.

but i submit to you that andrew breitbart may have only been a victim of a moment of inspired prescience – hear me out for a second:

he suddenly realized that if he could suddenly die under suspicious circumstances, a “perfect storm” of delusional media santorum would froth up. he could see this tidal wave of class warfare, caused by his martyrdom, sweeping across a torn nation. he imagined an army of “neo-andys” raising up, fighting in his name, for neo-con ideals – WHITE HETEROSEXUAL MALE SUPERIORITY! POLITICAL NEO-CONSERVATISM! YES! THE 1%! CAPITALISM! YES! YES!

and suddenly, his body just could no longer stand it: heart attack by masturbatory self delusion.

now, isn’t that so much easier to believe than a gay immigrant liberal hit squad?

today in good news/bad news…

good news : we need more people like indiana state senate minority leader vi simpson running things in this country. i would like to personally thank ms. simpson for her efforts to make us less stupid.

bad news : and we need less people like this dickhead, bashar assad, running them (anywhere). oh yeah, he thinks you’re an idiot. kudos to anonymous for exposing yet another douchecanoe to the world.

whatcha thinkin’ about?

(re-posted from

political what-the-fuck-ery

elect me for president of the united states of america in 2012 (or 2016, if we’re still around).

i’m serious. my platform is simple and direct:

  1. i won’t accept corporate or lobby fundingbribes.
  2. i could give a fuck about talking to the CEOs of google, time-warner, or whatever. they don’t need help making money — inner cities, schools, and other civil services do.
  3. mitt romney makes almost 50$million per year, in interest. at a 5% interest rate, that means he has like 1$billion in the bank. i have, on average, about 1500$. i’m rooting for the underdog 99% — you’d better believe taxes will go up sharply after your income passes half million dollars per year.*
  4. i will put a halt to the insider trading practices in congress. I WILL ARREST YOU, CONGRESS.
  5. actually, i will try to put a halt to wall street’s quackery as well. racketeering, bitches — the mafia gets put away for it, you’ll get your turn. I WILL ARREST YOU, WALL STREET.
  6. we’ll stay the fuck out of things that don’t concern us. we ARE NOT “world police”.
  7. no big government? great! first off, i’ll get them to stop spying on our own citizens — that should save us a bundle. second: TSA, you are worse than useless and you’re getting cut. buh-bye.
  8. health insurance: you can have it.
  9. education: you can have it. without going into debt for, like, the rest of your life.

vote for me.

because everyone else sucks.


* this may or may not be an accurate reflection of how his money …uh, works. either way, i put it to you, gentle reader, that he has too much of it, and isn’t using it for the betterment of his fellow man — or even himself.

the best reason ever to love the ONION

dear the onion,

thank you for the valuable services you provide. namely, drawing such an obvious line in the sand – or actually, allowing the stupid to draw it for us – is immensely helpful and gives us a clear starting point when we need to thin the herd a bit.

your generosity for providing such a valuable service – and for the amusement it brings the rest of us – is commendable, and it is a true comfort to know that knowledge and irony are not dead. kudos!

best regards,


p.s. can’t forget a shout-out to the amazing person who compiled this resource for us – thank you!!!

without further ado, i present the i hate you because you are dumb – redux at this link of secondary damage and mayhem caused by the onion: literally unbelievable.