the twisted gardens of the mind


why we should nuke wyoming instead of iran

wyoming wants you to believe that all your base are belong to wyoming. while i guess living in wyoming would make anyone a little stir crazy, this is really a worst case scenario.

Wyoming Republican legislator David Miller, who introduced a bill in the state legislature that would give the state the power, in an “emergency,” to create its own standing army through conscription, print its own currency, acquire military aircraft, suspend the legislature, and establish martial law. “Things happen quickly sometimes—look at Libya, look at Egypt, look at those situations,” Miller told the Star-Tribune in Casper, Wyoming. Repeating arguments employed by every military dictatorship over the past century, Miller declared, “We wouldn’t have time to meet as a Legislature or even in special session to do anything to respond.” Miller’s so-called “doomsday law” was defeated in the Wyoming legislature Tuesday by the narrow margin of 30-27. (

what happens when wyoming feels threatened by colorado’s superior technology industry? when they get the munchies and decide that idaho is going to be “their exclusive potato chip providing partner”? what happens when they don’t want to pay for all those potato chips??

simple: in a potato emergency, wyoming will be able to was almost able to draft civilians into their private wyoming army, acquire some f-16s for the wyoming air force, and start invading the rest of the country. to back them up, wyoming is home to francis e. warren air force base and their arsenal of over 150 “on-alert” ICBMs.

bitches, that lost by THREE votes. how in the fuck does wyoming come THREE votes from being able to print their very own money?

so that’s why we should nuke wyoming instead of iran — they’re a whole hotbed of domestic republican terrorists just waiting to strike and they’re ALREADY GOT NUCLEAR WEAPONS. oh, and obviously, no compunction whatsoever about putting YOU (you, being citizens of wyoming) on the front line in the war against…


…the war on “situations”, involving hoi polloi?


Andrew Breitbart Death Ruled “Death by Autoerotic Myocardial Infarction”

andrew breitbart loved to stir up controversy.

and now, barely 12 hours after his death, people all throughout the twit-verse are calling for congressional investigations, hearings (and other retarded wastes of time and money) into why he is no longer with us.

the pink liberal fascist assassins of obama killed breitbart.

obama killed breitbart over videotape of obama college gay coke party.

breitbart knew too much and paid the ultimate price.

but i submit to you that andrew breitbart may have only been a victim of a moment of inspired prescience – hear me out for a second:

he suddenly realized that if he could suddenly die under suspicious circumstances, a “perfect storm” of delusional media santorum would froth up. he could see this tidal wave of class warfare, caused by his martyrdom, sweeping across a torn nation. he imagined an army of “neo-andys” raising up, fighting in his name, for neo-con ideals – WHITE HETEROSEXUAL MALE SUPERIORITY! POLITICAL NEO-CONSERVATISM! YES! THE 1%! CAPITALISM! YES! YES!

and suddenly, his body just could no longer stand it: heart attack by masturbatory self delusion.

now, isn’t that so much easier to believe than a gay immigrant liberal hit squad?

today in good news/bad news…

good news : we need more people like indiana state senate minority leader vi simpson running things in this country. i would like to personally thank ms. simpson for her efforts to make us less stupid.

bad news : and we need less people like this dickhead, bashar assad, running them (anywhere). oh yeah, he thinks you’re an idiot. kudos to anonymous for exposing yet another douchecanoe to the world.

political what-the-fuck-ery

elect me for president of the united states of america in 2012 (or 2016, if we’re still around).

i’m serious. my platform is simple and direct:

  1. i won’t accept corporate or lobby fundingbribes.
  2. i could give a fuck about talking to the CEOs of google, time-warner, or whatever. they don’t need help making money — inner cities, schools, and other civil services do.
  3. mitt romney makes almost 50$million per year, in interest. at a 5% interest rate, that means he has like 1$billion in the bank. i have, on average, about 1500$. i’m rooting for the underdog 99% — you’d better believe taxes will go up sharply after your income passes half million dollars per year.*
  4. i will put a halt to the insider trading practices in congress. I WILL ARREST YOU, CONGRESS.
  5. actually, i will try to put a halt to wall street’s quackery as well. racketeering, bitches — the mafia gets put away for it, you’ll get your turn. I WILL ARREST YOU, WALL STREET.
  6. we’ll stay the fuck out of things that don’t concern us. we ARE NOT “world police”.
  7. no big government? great! first off, i’ll get them to stop spying on our own citizens — that should save us a bundle. second: TSA, you are worse than useless and you’re getting cut. buh-bye.
  8. health insurance: you can have it.
  9. education: you can have it. without going into debt for, like, the rest of your life.

vote for me.

because everyone else sucks.


* this may or may not be an accurate reflection of how his money …uh, works. either way, i put it to you, gentle reader, that he has too much of it, and isn’t using it for the betterment of his fellow man — or even himself.

new segment: you drive like shit

dear SUV with california plate 4RLJ8516,

i hope your shitty driving has earned you a stupendously large insurance premium, you fuckwit. i hope you roll your piece of shit SUV into the bay.

please die.

a return to anger

i’m back.

i didn’t really go away, but i’ve found there’s a certain comfort zone i need to inhabit to be able to write.

A ——– B —- C ——– D

if point A is a point somewhere on the anxiety-ridden side of at rest, and point D is the kind of boiling rage where you cut off other people’s middle fingers and arrange them in a giant depiction of a middle finger on your target’s lawn, then my comfort zone is from B to C.

as it happens, i returned from vacation and idled for awhile just below B, then jumped up into the C-D range, and have been hovering around C ever since.

that’s my story, and i’m sticking to it.