the twisted gardens of the mind

Posts tagged “criminal minds

what’s an unsub?

dear interwebz: today your net gain is ZERO.

minus one

with all the absurd video clips of ‘every time [person] on [show] says [catch phrase]’, WHY IS THERE NO ‘every time person on criminal minds says “what’s an unsub?”‘? seriously, what? get the fuck on that – i’m sure i’m not the only person to needwant this.

plus one

in my search for the aforementioned clip, i did find this:

Their Unit Chief, Aaron Hotchner, was telling them all that lack of interdepartmental cooperation was a good way to let the UNSUB, as they called him, slip through the cracks.

“UNSUB…” Parkman snorted, casting a glance over at his partner, Mike, who was reading through a folder the BAU Media Liaison, Jennifer Jareau, had given out. “What the hell is that?”

“The UNSUB,” said a tall black man, that Parkman was pretty sure did swimsuit modeling when he was off the clock. “Is the Unknown Subject.”

“Isn’t that pretentious?” Sylar popped in, leaning on the edge of the next desk. He held up a pair of fingers behind the FBI agent’s head like rabbit ears. “Would you look at this guy? Janice would be all over him.”

yes, you are reading that correctly – criminal minds/heroes cross-over fanfic. it was no rule 34, but it was still amusingly annoying (/annoyingly amusing?) enough that i felt no more need to search any further for anything today.

oh and here’s the link – click at your own peril.


the “plus one”/”minus one” is not meant to signify any type of greatness, it was merely a measure of how much i felt the internet lived up to expectation today. had the story been rule 34, it would have scored much higher.


criminal minds: suspect premise

i believe thomas gibson as special agent aaron hotchner in the original criminal minds series. he’s uptight, anal, icy, precise, and driven – exactly the qualities that i would expect from an FBI profiler.

so now there’s another profiling team in town, but i’m just not buying it. criminal minds: suspect behavior is made up of agents who got kicked out of profiler school in the first month. they are a supposed FBI “red cell that operates outside the bureaucracy” (although this seems slightly disingenuous as they are part of the federal bureau of investigation, right? just sayin’).

forest whitacre operates his team out of a badly lit gym office – apparently operating outside of the bureaucracy has some problems, like the lack of a paid-up electricity bill. similarly, his phone is out of minutes, so the head of the FBI comes down to the gym to give forest his marching orders in person. like any good leader of a rogue team, forest’s management style is a mixture of arbitrary decision making, kicking in doors without a warrant, and voodoo.

CM portrayed a modicum of due diligence – showing up at places with a warrant, or at least yelling at the occupant “we can be back in 5 minutes with one”. CM:SB tosses that unnecessary step out the window, because really, if you want to see serious legalese, you should be watching LA law. as for solving a case, i’d say it’s split about 50/50 between kirsten vangsness’s sexy awesome hacking skills (so important to the franchise that they had to import her from CM), and forest’s ability to go into a holy trance where he becomes the serial killer and somehow lands an amazing intuitive triple lutz that helps track down their target.

janeane garofalo plays angry girl. the only character to have created her own nickname (in my mind), she’s defiant and likes to talk sternly at her superior officers. i think she moves about 4 facial muscles per episode, and would be the only believable character on the show.. if she wasn’t so angry. in a recent episode, they even tried to build her back-story as angry girl by having forest pull her aside with a comment like, “i know you got kicked off your last team for talking back…”, to which she angrily replies “but i was right!” forest mumbles something like “i know” and the matter is considered settled.

then there’s:

  • an ex-ira sniper, who has the potential to be an awesome character, but really needs to shoot more peeps.
  • feels-the-need-to-prove-himself guy, who “proved himself” in the pilot, but still acts like there’s more to prove.
  • blond-girl-who-calms-other-people-down, who has yet to be (or do) anything else.
  • and the amazing kirsten vangsness, as i mentioned previously, moonlighting from CM.

IMDB doesn’t yet list any “memorable quotes” from CM:SB, but i have one:

“as a profiler, we’re not supposed to jump to conclusions, but…”

i don’t remember who said it (and it may not be word-for-word), but i think it accurately wraps up this series so far. i’m not going to jump to any conclusions here, but i think they need some better writers.